All Around Pennsauken

By Judith Kristen, AAP Columnist

This month, I depart from my usual off the wall column and dive straight into the deep end of the pool.

While you are reading these 733 words of mine, my fellow columnist and dear friend, Bob Wagner, is aging faster than bad Camembert. Wags is turning 70!

I am relishing in the fact, albeit short-lived, as I also turn 70 on April 3. But while this opportunity still presents itself, I plan on enjoying this in my own twisted way.

Bob should enjoy this “roast” of sorts, as he can dish it out as good as he can take it. That said, maybe I shouldn’t call it a “roast.” Those of us who know Wags well could only call it a “ham.”

Robert Wagner, Pennsauken native, lived through his childhood years in the late 1940s and 1950s… all the way up to the present moment, in fact. But Bob’s favorite decade was the Sixties. It was the first full decade of rock and roll; he got his driver’s license; he served his country proudly; and made many friends who laughed at his jokes, and hung on every word of his fun and entertaining conversations.

Bob still entertains those old pals with 70-year-old knee joints that are more accurate than the national weather service and singing along with elevator music. But maybe best of all about those old friends, is that his secrets are safe with us because we can’t remember them either.

So what if you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings? You can still find the snooze button from four feet away with your eyes closed.

And so what if an oxygen mask drops from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit? You’re only 70! You’ve still got a few good years left to buy green bananas!

As anyone who knows, our Robert is a grand story-teller. I remember Bobby telling me when he was young, that he wasn’t much of a ladies’ man; and by the end of his teens, he was so used to not making it to second base, that his first words to a new girlfriend’s parents were: “Hi, I usually don’t make it this far.”

That said, Wags eventually married the woman of his dreams. Suzie is a lovely woman with a great sense of humor – and she needs one.

All kidding aside, Bob is and has always been a good husband, father and chef! There were actually times he would cook a huge dinner for his entire family, but the fire trucks and sprinkler systems kept ruining it.

And as we all know, over the course of time, Bob not only became a beloved columnist, but the author of two popular books as well. There have also been songs, poems, and even slogans he’s created… like this one:

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But, smoking bacon will cure it.

That said, Bob still smokes and eats bacon.

And since his retirement a few years back, he also goes on many a walk these days, because his doctor told him it’s a great way to stay healthy. And so Bob does… taking along a box of Twinkies, because let’s be honest here.

And last but not least, when the man of the smiling Irish eyes read about the evils of drinking, he gave up reading. No quitter is our Robert!

Friends, as I end this column with my not 70-year-old fingertips, I want to say this: Bob, you’re still a cool dude, a wonderful friend, a great dad, a fabulous granddad, and dear and loving hubby. You’re still that fun kid who was dearly loved by all; still that adventurous teenager; and the brave and steadfast young man who served his country well in Vietnam. And, you’re a major credit to Pennsauken. They told me to say that.

And, about that “70” thing… don’t sweat it.

Here’s the cure for it.

You are not 70… you are 21 in Celsius.

Trust me, I’ll be using the same line 33 days from now!

Happy 70th Bob!!! From those who love you here in South Jersey, and across the country… all three of them.

Did I mention that McMillan’s Bakery called and said this year your candles are costing more than your cake?

Peace and love and green bananas!

Your friend,

Judy